


Zehdh

by xreyskywalkersolo



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2018-12-23 03:33:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11981247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xreyskywalkersolo/pseuds/xreyskywalkersolo
Summary: "Clark makes the apartment feel small somehow. He made the Danvers house feel small too, on the rare occasions that he visited. Clark isn’t a particularly big man, barely four inches taller than his cousin, but somehow he always seems to fill the space that he’s in. Maybe it’s the Superman persona, draped over his shoulders even when the suit is hidden. Sometimes Alex wonders if it’s the weight he carries with him, things unsaid and buried beneath those piercing blue eyes and the goofy charm of that farm boy grin.Alex has always hated him for it."





	1. Chapter 1

 Clark makes the apartment feel small somehow. He made the Danvers house feel small too, on the rare occasions that he visited. Clark isn’t a particularly big man, barely four inches taller than his cousin, but somehow he always seems to fill the space that he’s in. Maybe it’s the Superman persona, draped over his shoulders even when the suit is hidden. Sometimes Alex wonders if it’s the weight he carries with him, things unsaid and buried beneath those piercing blue eyes and the goofy charm of that farm boy grin.

Alex has always hated him for it.

“I like her.” Clark’s voice next to her shoulder makes Alex jump, nearly spilling the glass of wine in her hand. She swears, and Clark actually winces a little like it pains him to hear. “Sorry….”

“It’s fine,” Alex grumbles, glancing back over to Maggie, who is currently trying—and failing—to do si do with Kara. Maggie was both shocked and scandalized to find out that Kara has absolutely no idea what square dancing is and is now attempting to show her. The sight makes something soften in Alex’s chest, tugging at the corners of her mouth. “She’s amazing, isn’t she?" 

It still feels too good to be true, sometimes. Every morning, Alex half-expects that the bed will be empty when she rolls over, that Maggie was just a dream. Every morning, she’s proven wrong as her eyes open and she sees Maggie curled into her arms, breath puffing gently against Alex’s chest. Alex smiles, absently running her thumb over the silver band encircling her ring finger. “I still can’t believe we’re engaged.”

“She suits you.” Clark smiles, setting a hand on her shoulder, and even though he squeezes lightly, Alex can feel the Kryptonian strength in it. “I never thought you would be able to find anyone who likes beer as much as you do, but apparently, I was wrong.”

Alex snorts. “I think she might like it even more than I do.”

“That’ll be the day.” Clark sips his drink. There is a shadow stretched across his eyes, and Alex isn’t sure if it’s always been there or if it just shows up when he’s around Kara. They stand in silence for a moment, and when Clark speaks again, his voice is startlingly soft. “How’s Kara doing?”

Alex bites back the scathing response that leaps to her tongue— _You would know if you were around more_ —and gulps it down with another sip of wine. “She’s….better. It took a while, but she’s moved on.” Guilt twinges in her chest. “It’s partially my fault. I knew he wouldn’t treat her well, but I stupidly hoped maybe he would change, so I pushed Kara to go after him. I guess I just wanted her to have what I have with Maggie, and I thought he could be her best chance.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. You wanted what was best for her. Even if your judgement was….faulty.”

There’s no accusation in Clark’s tone, but Alex bristles, turning to face him. Her grip tightens on the glass in her hand, and god, she should have expected this. She should have known that self-righteous Clark Kent would judge her. “ _Excuse_ me?”

 “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded,” he says quickly, holding his hands up. “I just meant that you usually have really good instincts when it comes to Kara. I thought you would have realized he was a jerk.”

Alex’s jaw works. “I thought you would have realized that Kara needed her family when she first came to Earth. That she needed someone who understood what it was like to have powers, to fit in on a world that wasn’t theirs. But I guess I was wrong.” It’s a low blow and she knows it, but Clark’s words sound too much like the things her mother says, disappointment lining her brow and scraping over Alex’s skin until it feels raw.

_I thought you would take care of her, Alexandra._

Clark goes rigid, and it’s perversely satisfying to see the way a muscle jumps within his jaw. “That’s not the same.”

“Isn’t it?” She’s dimly aware that Maggie and Kara are watching them now, but she can’t bring herself to care. “I made a bad call about her love life, but you made a terrible call about her _life_. She needed you and you weren’t there, Clark.”

“I did what I did to protect her!” Clark’s eyes blaze. “She would have been in danger with me, and I wasn’t equipped to take care of a kid! I did what was best for her!”

“Best for her? Or easiest for you? You hate anything that reminds you that you’re not human, _Kal-El_.” Alex fairly spits his name. “You hate anything that reminds you of Krypton. You are a _coward_.”

“At least I didn’t take Krypton away from her.” Clark’s voice is low and tight, his jaw rigid as he speaks. “She could have gotten a piece of her world back with Astra. But you denied her that chance. You’re not any less guilty than I am, Alex. And you can call me a coward, but you?” He shakes his head. “You’re no hero.” 

Alex doesn’t register moving, but suddenly Maggie has her by the shoulders and her hand is throbbing and she thinks she might have broken it. Maggie is saying something; her lips are moving, but Alex can’t hear over the roar of blood in her ears. Savagely she yanks away from her fiancée, cradling her injured hand. “Go to hell!” Alex snarls, glaring at Clark over Kara’s shoulder. Kara has her back to her, facing Clark but she turns as Alex speaks, and Alex feels her heart constrict painfully in her chest.

There are tears glimmering on her little sister’s face.

_“I was afraid of losing you. And I can’t lose you.”_

_“Deep down inside, you hate me. And_ that’s _why you killed my aunt.”_

It’s too much, suddenly, walls pressing in and a vise around her lungs, and Alex does something she hasn’t done for almost three years.

She runs.

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

It takes a lot less time for her to get drunk than it used to. Alex wonders absently if that should embarrass her as she knocks back her fifth (sixth? seventh? She’s lost track) shot of vodka. During grad school, she could down at least seven shots before she even got tipsy.

 She feels like she’s back in college now, drinking in an attempt to numb the guilt and self-loathing buzzing in her bones. Back then, Alex would have found the nearest bar, but the idea of being around people right now is almost unbearable. She just wants to nurse her wounds in private and not have to worry about waking up in a stranger’s bed in the morning. The pain from her injured hand has subsided into a dull ache thanks to Advil and the bag of ice currently sitting on top of it. Luckily, Alex only needs one hand to refill her shot glass and keep drinking. She puts the Grey Goose down and grabs the bottle of Jack Daniels, not bothering with a tumbler as she lifts it to her lips. The warm burn feels good down her throat, and she can ignore the dampness on her cheeks if she tries hard enough.

 She forgot how much it hurt to drink alone.

 The door opens, and Alex reflexively turns away, hunching down over the whiskey bottle like she can hide it as she closes her eyes tightly. She’s not ready for this, not ready to face the woman she loves and explain what she did to Kara. To admit that Clark was right. A sob expands in her chest, and she clenches her jaw to swallow it back. She can’t break now.

 Footsteps sound across the floor, and then the bottle is tugged gently out of her hand as fingers slide across her jaw. “Alex,” Maggie whispers, and Alex’s heart clenches at how raw the woman’s voice is. “Baby, I’m…..I’m so sorry. He shouldn’t have said that to you.”

 “He was right.” The words feel like shards of glass slicing up her throat. Alex clenches her jaw, turning her head away even though she leans into Maggie’s hand. She needs to know the woman doesn’t hate her. “I took Krypton from Kara when I killed Astra. I had another choice….but I chose wrong. And she suffered.”

 Maggie doesn’t say anything, but she pulls her hand away, and terror blazes through Alex’s chest. Before she can say anything, though, she feels Maggie lift the bag of ice from her hand and carefully pick it up. “Let me look at your hand.”

 Alex bites back a pained hiss, clenching her jaw as Maggie examines her hand. “I don’t think you broke it,” she says at last, “but damn, you sure gave it a good try.” Maggie carefully presses her lips to Alex’s battered knuckles, and the tender gesture almost makes Alex sob aloud. Maggie hesitates, carefully setting Alex’s hand back down on the bar and climbing up onto the stool next to her. “Alex…you don’t have to tell me anything, but…..if you’re feeling up to talking about it, can you tell me about her? About….Astra?”

 Alex closes her eyes, reaching her uninjured hand out to catch Maggie’s, and she feels almost nauseous. “Last year, with Myriad….that happened because of a group of Kryptonians who escaped the death of the planet. They were imprisoned in Fort Rozz—the thing Supergirl flew up into space. Her aunt was the leader…”

 Maggie nods softly, brow furrowed, and she squeezes Alex’s fingers. “Go on.”

 “We captured Astra after she and Kara fought in the middle of the city. It was a ruse, but we didn’t know it yet. I think……looking back, I think that changed things a little. She….she called her forces off when we were ambushed trying to exchange her for J’onn.” Alex exhales, lifting her free hand to rub at the burn behind her eyes. “I think being near Kara changed her.”

 “What makes you say that?” Maggie’s thumb runs over her knuckles. “One act of mercy doesn’t mean she wasn’t an enemy.”

 “She saved Kara’s life. Kara was……attacked by a parasite called the Black Mercy. It made her see…..Krypton. The life she could have had. Astra told me how to go in and get her out. And then……that night……” Alex squeezes her eyes shut. “I killed her to save J'onn.”

 “Alex…” Maggie reaches out and pulls her into a tight embrace, cradling Alex’s head to her chest. Alex clings with all the strength she has, and it feels like her heart is crumbling inside her chest, splinters digging into her throat. “Alex, she was the enemy. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

 “She was Kara’s family,” Alex chokes, “and I killed her. And Kara….she hates me for it.”

 “No.” Maggie shakes her head, pulling away just enough to cradle Alex’s cheek in her hand. The woman’s eyes are almost too soft, too gentle, things that Alex does not deserve. “Kara could never hate you, baby. You’re the most important person in her life.”

 Alex shakes her head, a sob expanding in her chest. Maggie doesn’t get it. She can’t. “The….the red kryptonite….she told me….”

 “Alex, you said that that kryptonite made Kara the worst version of herself. Thinking something doesn’t make it true.” Maggie’s thumb rubs over her cheek, wiping away tears. “I know she didn’t mean whatever she said.”

 “I took away her family,” Alex whimpers, “I….Clark was right. She was all Kara had of Krypton, and I took that away.”

 “ _You_ are Kara’s family, Alex. And Astra…she made her choices. You’re not to blame for that.” Maggie breathes out slowly. “People die in war. That’s what that was. Clark had no right to say what he did.”

“I didn’t want to.” Alex clutches desperately at Maggie, face pressed against the woman’s neck, and she feels like she will come apart. Her eyes are burning. “I didn’t want to kill her.”

“I know, baby.” Maggie presses a slow, soft kiss to her forehead. “I know you didn’t. But you didn’t have a choice.”

“There’s always a choice—”

“And yours was either to kill her or to do nothing and let J’onn die. And I know you couldn’t do that.”

“It was the wrong choice.” Alex closes her eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. “It was wrong.”

“There were no good choices, Alex, but you made the one you thought was best. You always do.” Maggie’s lips press against her hair. “And I love you for it.”

Alex wants to tell Maggie the worst part, the absolute worst part of all of this, but she can’t. She can’t bring herself to confess it out loud, much less to the woman she loves, and so instead she lifts her head to kiss Maggie, desperate and fierce and messy. “I love you,” she whimpers against Maggie’s lips, “I love you too.”

She can’t tell Maggie that even after all this time, even after falling in love with Maggie, Alex thinks she could have loved Astra if she’d only had the chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the last fic I'm going to write. This mess with Supergirl killed my love of fandom. Thanks to everyone who's left comments/kudos on my stories, y'all are the best. I hope you still find something to love in the show.

**Author's Note:**

> 'Zehdh' is the Kryptonian word for 'family'.


End file.
